When Your Friend is Grieving a Prodigal

Fromm the perspective of the Trucker and his passenger.  Not to say this is everyone's opinion or experience ...

- This grief is very real. It is like a death, only there is no closure. Time does not heal. It is a nightmare from which your friend cannot awaken.

- All stages of grief will be experienced, and often all at once. Allow space to work through them.

- DO NOT say, “After a while you will feel better/get over it/be glad it happened.” Whether or not these statements will become true, the grieving person is not ready to hear them, and the statements add yet another cruel burden.

- DO NOT say, “Maybe this happened because you didn’t love him/her enough/did this/didn’t do that.” Possibly these are the most cruel comments ever. Any true parent will recognize the lie here. Your friend has enough guilt of her own to struggle with, justified or not. She doesn’t need yours.

- DO NOT GOSSIP, even under the guise of “sharing a prayer request.” Just pray.

- DO NOT give advice unless you have earned the right, and few have.

- DO NOT recommend books, scriptures, songs or sermons, etc. unless asked. If something was particularly meaningful to you, ask permission before sharing it, and NEVER go back and ask if they read/listened to your recommendation. Grieving takes an incredible amount of time and energy. Do not assume you know what is needed or that your friend can absorb your information.

- RECOGNIZE that going out in public, even for routine errands, is extremely difficult. Your friend feels conspicuous, not knowing who “knows” and who doesn’t, and is fully aware “things” are being said behind her back. Invitations out and requests to visit should be given carefully, and refusals accepted without judgment.

- BE AWARE that tears are always just under the surface. Neither you nor she knows what the triggers may be at any given time. Give space to grieve, whatever form it takes. Supply tissues,  hugs, words of comforting scripture, and refrain from asking for explanations.

- Words are not always necessary. An understanding smile, a gentle touch says it all.

- DO NOT be offended if she passes you by when you invite conversation. She may not have the emotional energy for interaction, or may have emotions too close to the surface to enable her to bear even your kind attention.

- KNOW that there is no emotional energy to deal with day-to-day, all is taken up with the crisis situation. This will be her life long after everyone else has gone on with their own.

- DO NOT ask, “How are you?” unless you truly want to know, and have time to hear.

- Every new season, holiday, anniversary, will bring fresh grief, and a setback in working through the stages of grief. Be open to sharing your family at these times, but do not pressure. Much as your care is appreciated, your grief stricken friend may not have the emotional stamina to “celebrate” or even be with other people.

- DO tell her about your own family, your joys and sorrows. She may weep again over her own loss, but to withhold your own life will make her feel even more isolated. Sharing your child(ren) will be a comfort.

- IF you have a connection with the prodigal, LET YOUR FRIEND KNOW. She is still a mother, still loves her child. She craves information about her child that is now denied her. Tell her about your connection, what her child looked like, what was said (if confidentiality doesn’t apply), how her child is doing. Yes, she will weep, but she will also weep, not knowing. She will eventually learn about your connections with her loved one(s) and will feel betrayed yet again if you try to hide it.

- IF you have a connection with the prodigal, ASK GOD first about challenging him/her regarding their responsibilities in the broken communication, and prompt him/her toward reconciliation as directed in scripture.

- Mention the elephant in the room, then set it aside. Everyone knows it is there anyway.

- Weep with those who weep.

- Pray, pray, pray.